I have to talk to you (Sae//Bailee)

[lizzie4]

“Ow” Martin muttered under his breath rubbing his hand for the fifth time today, it was acting up again and right now there was a sharp pain in it every time he even twitched it. That was the price he had to pay though, for hitting that tree months ago. Thing is, that was what Martin intending to do. Take his own life if possible, now sure people would seem to wonder why that was necessary and quite frankly Martin didn't seem to have an answer to that. All he said was it was an accident, and he's lucky to be alive.

Yeah lucky, spending days in the hospital was luck. He hardly called that a blessing, in fact being stuck in the hospital sucked but he knew he was hurt. After a crash like that it would be a miracle if you weren't, and Martin's life was very far from that. Then again, whose life was ever perfect, nobody said life was ever going to be that way. He only could wish that it would be, and wishing and happening was two different things.

Part of the person he wanted to kill himself, his life wasn’t all he wanted it to be and some days he just hated it. He could deal with being anymore and sure he knew people would miss him, but people would be able to get over his absence. Like he was never alive almost, after time at least. Even he knew it couldn’t all just happen in a day.Taking at deep breath he sat in the grass at the park, he was really meaning to talk to his friend Bailee and here at the park was the place he was going to do that.

He knew he had to talk to her about this, or he would never be able to and she did tell him he could tell her anything. “Let’s hope she doesn’t hate me” he muttered.

[sarahh]

it had been a long day for bailee. the whole had day had been wasted on horrifying school work, long essays, and many things that had to be written. you could say that she wasn't in the greatest mood. however, bailee was the type of girl who could snap out of a bad mood easily, she hated being in bad moods. happy was the way to go. there was never a time when you saw bailee depressed or sad. she was happy with her life at the moment, though there were a few things she wish she could change about herself. for one, the fact that everyone in the school thought that she was a slut. she wasn't. she hadn't even had her first kiss yet. though she really wanted to. it was weird being a junior in high school, not even experiencing your first kiss yet. at least bailee thought that. looking down at her laptop, bailee knew she had to go meet up with martin. he said there was something that he needed to tell her, and she was quite nervous with what it may be.

she grabbed her pullover sweater from her table, pulling it over her shoulders. it was later in the day, meaning that it wasn't cold, but it wasn't exactly warm either. she just wanted to be prepared, and if it was warm out she could take off her pullover, and be in just a tank top. right now she was wearing a pair of her favorite jeans. if she was off in short shorts, it'd give the school kids more reasons to add to the fact that they thought she was a slut. finally, she was out the door at last. briskly, she made her way to the park, the place where martin was going to tell her something personal. bailee never really opened up to people. not that she didn't want to, but trusting people was hard for her to do. some people rarely gained her trust.

she strolled up for the park, finally finding martin. "hey martin," she called, before sitting down on a bench. she wasn't going to stand all night, she was tired enough from school work. taking a small breath, she exhaled slowly. "so.. um what do you need to tell me," she asked, nervously.

[lizzie4]

Martin had a lot of things on his mind at the moment, but the biggest thing was just how he was going to tell Bailee what he was planning to and what she could think when he did tell her. Normal people wouldn't be too happy and he knew that, of course he knew that. In fact normal people would start to worry about said person thinking if they tried it once they could try it again. He didn't want Bailee thinking that, because in a way that was hardly the case. It also wasn't that he hated the people in his life to, he loved his brother or he did most of the time and he loved his friends.

Maybe he didn't have a reason for what he did, he wasn't sure anymore. All he knew that was his intention, hitting that tree and trying to get his self killed and he lived. He got to live with the scars from the crash, when he was bored he found his self tracing his fingers over them lately. It just gave him something to do when he got bored, and that was very often that something like that happened. He got bored very easily sometimes, and it tended to actually be a problem for the nineteen year old very often. He couldn't help it though, it was just the way he was and there was no changing it.

How could a person just go and change how they were, if it was possible it was very hard. He heard of people changing how they were, but that didn't mean they changed completely. They were still the same person, and that's what sucked. That was always what Martin wished he could change, there were times when Martin wished he could change who he was completely or just go back in time. If he could he'd go back and time and make sure the crash into the tree killed him, no matter how many people he knew would miss him. There was always that part of him that just seemed to think it wouldn't matter, they would learn to get over it and move on with life.

He knew people would think differently but that was the way he thought, and he couldn't help thinking that way. Looking around the park spotting Bailee he smiled, "hey Bailee" he said quietly his smile quickly fading from his face as he turned very serious. "I knew I had to tell someone about this, and I can't tell my brothers because I don't know what they'd think and you can't tell them about this either okay. You have to promise" Martin began looking at her. "Bailee you do remember that accident I had a few months ago right, when I hit that tree totally dead on.

How I could have easily died that day but I didn't, I tell everyone that it's an accident and that I was only trying to avoid something. Thing is I'm not being totally honest, not with you and not with anyone else in saying that. Thing is that's the farthest from the truth as you can get, and only reason I'm telling you this is you're such a good friend and I know I can trust you. I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, because when I feel it's the right time I'll tell them myself. Thing is it wasn't an accident, yeah that's right I did it on purpose, in an act of wanting to kill myself. If this changes anything in our friendship I understand Bailee, but not telling anyone was just driving me insane and I couldn't stand it anymore so I'm telling you.

As my good friend I'm begging you not to tell anyone else to, because knows what'd they think" Martin said quietly with a shake of his head. An act of desperation is what he called it and maybe that was just what it was, an act of desperation.

[sarahh]

bailee pulled her pullover closer to her body. the wind surrounding her was chilling her skin, leaving goosebumps, but chilling her skin. the feeling was good and relaxing, much better than the sauna of a room she had been spending her time in all day. spending a day working on school work in a hot room all day with no fan or no air conditioner was not working well for bailee. she needed air. freedom. something that would make her not want to go insane. taking a slight breath, she looked around at her surroundings, waiting for martin to begin talking.

around here there were little kids playing, though she knew sooner or later they would be heading home. when she was younger she always had a curfew, her parents were pretty protective of her. she couldn't blame them, if she was a parent she would be making sure her kids were always safe. she was pretty sure that when she had a kid she'd know where they were at all times of the day. part of bailee couldn't wait to be a parent, something she was looking forward to. right now she was too young. after college she would think about having kids, but until then she was sure she wasn't going to be popping out any kids.

when martin began talking, she listened very carefully to him. she didn't want to miss a single word, mostly because he was trusting her with something very personal to him. by the time he finished talking, she was practically in tears. "why would you do that?" she asked, her voice tinting between anger and confusion. she knew so many people that loved him. she loved him, her brothers loved him.. people just generally loved him. and she was sure there were people who loved him that he never talked to, even if they didn't say much to him. the thought that he would try to kill himself broke her heart into pieces

bailee didn't have feelings for martin romantically, but she sure did love him as a friend. she might love him more than a friend if it wasn't for the fact she kind of liked his brother volkan. however, martin was one of the best friends that she had ever had, and she never wanted to lose him. "why would you even think of killing yourself?" the words he had just said kept running through her head. she didn't know if she was supposed to be angry, sad, or confused, or a mix of all three.

[lizzie4]

Martin just had a feeling that him telling Bailee his secret, the one he kept for months now she would be very upset with him being his very close friend. He had to tell her though, he knew he had to tell someone right and Bailee was the right choose he thought. No matter how much telling her would hurt her, and he knew it would may it be she liked him or not. She told him many times she loved him as a friend and that was good enough, that was all he needed to know he had to come clean to her. For the sake of his own sanity mostly, and telling her wouldn’t be simple. At least explaining the reason behind it wouldn’t.

Looking right at Bailee as he spoke his voice shook and trembled, it was almost hard to get words out and seeing her cry almost broke his heart. He hated seeing his friends cry, he hated seeing anyone cry. Even if he didn’t know the person seeing them cry would make him really unhappy, “I had my reasons for doing just what I did. I couldn’t stand it anymore, it being my life. It’s not easy being who I am, day by day people make assumptions about by how l look and how I dress, heck once I was called gay and I hate that. I hate the fact even as a college student life is not easy at all, I just I hate all of this sometimes. I’m sorry to be saying it to, but it’s just something I have to say” he said quietly looking away from her to hide the fact he was crying to.

He felt horrible, but he couldn’t keep it in any longer. If he did he knew he would have gone insane or did something very stupid, try the stunt again and this time he would do it right. This was him making sure he didn’t, he had to do it and he didn’t regret doing it either, “I’m so sorry Bailee” he whispered still crying.

[sarahh]

wiping tears from her eyes, bailee had no idea how she should be acting right now. there was part of her that wanted to be angry at him, but she knew she couldn't. martin trusted her with her secret, something that he probably hadn't told anyone else. biting her lip gently, bailee pulled on her hair for a minute. not knowing what to say at the moment, she let out a deep breath and let herself just think for a moment. bailee rubbed her temples for a moment, before looking back at martin. right now he was hiding his face, so she had no idea if he was crying or not.

when he began talking again, bailee looked over at him, taking a deep breath. it wasn't everyday that someone opened up to her like he did. "people are going to say things, because people in this world are mean, and they get pleasure from bringing other people down," she began. bailee had no idea where she was going with this, but she knew that once she started talking, she might not be able to stop. "people say mean things to me, they call me mean names, too. but it doesn't mean that you should give up martin. so many people love you, and don't even say they don't. you have me, your family, your other friends. just take this into consideration." she shook her head slightly, looking down to the ground. she hated when people felt like no one cared about them, because there was always someone who really loved someone. everyone was the most special person in the world, because to someone, they were the most important person to them.

when she saw that he was crying, bailee moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. "martin, you know i love you. you're one of my best friends, and i'd do anything for you." she looked at him, wiping some tears from his eyes.

[lizzie4]

Martin would be devastated if Bailee dare hate him, loving her so much the very thought of losing her in his life would tear him apart. She was one of his best friends and he really hoped she found it in her to stay that way, but he knew if she did hate him now he would have to understand. He did try killing his self and normally when a person tried like people would wonder and people would be upset. He wasn’t sure if he was really suicidal, perhaps he was but at the time he really did think it was a good idea and how was he to know he was actually going to live to tell the tale. Which was why he had to lie, he wasn’t going to tell anyone that he purposely tried to kill his self when he saw all their worried faces. At first he had no idea who would really even care, but now he did and a lot of people did care. He remembered that, but sometimes he really wished he could go and try it all over again.

“I know they are and that they do Bailee, and I take their words into mind very hurtfully and it may be the fact I can’t seem to ignore other people’s words and they do say words hurt and in my mind that is a very true statement. Words really do hurt people, I know they have hurt me to the point I ran my car into a tree. I know it was a stupid move but at the time it felt right, and you know what they say who knows what goes through the head of a person who committed suicide. I know at the time it just felt like the thing to do to get rid of all of it, no matter how many people would be hurt in the process” he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and looked at her. “I know I do, but I just don’t know” he whispered shaking his head.

“I know you would Bailee, and I love you for that and I’m so glad that you don’t hate me now” he looked down. That was the very last thing he’d want, any one to ever hate him. He’d probably feel it’s his fault and hate himself to.

[sarahh]

Bailee hated when her friends felt like no one cared about them. She was sure that everyone who thought that, had so many people who cared about them. Taking a small breath, she pulled Martin closer to herself, holding him close. It wasn't a romantic embrace, but it was sure nice. Bailee really cared about Martin, even if he didn't see it at times. And she was positive that his brothers and family cared about him, and her friend Evelyn loved him, and was even in love with Martin. There had never been a time where Bailee wanted to kill herself, even though she had a few times where she cried quite a bit, however they were mostly because she lost someone close and dear to her.

"Martin, you just can't do something like this again. It worries me," she nodded. Now Bailee was going to become even more protective of Martin, even though he was a few years older than her, and it was supposed to be the other way around. Biting her lip, she looked at Martin. "I could never hate you Martin, and that is a promise. I promise." she nodded slightly. There was no way bailee could ever hate Martin, he was one of her best friends and even if they fought, she would never hate him or on him.

[lizzie4]

Martin knew that there a lot of things that he did wrong in his life, but he couldn’t help being the way he was and being just who he was. He also felt like no one cared enough about him sometimes, sure he knew plenty of people who would hit him for saying that but it was just the way he felt. He couldn’t deal with things sometimes and perhaps he just took the weak person’s approach when he just tried killing his self and when Bailee hugged him he had to stop his self from totally bursting out into tears which was actually very hard for him to do right now since he was so unhappy with everything that was going on right now. “I’ll tell my brothers all about this soon enough to, I just can’t do it right now” he said quietly shaking his head slightly.

“I won’t Bailee, I’m trying my best not to at least since it isn’t always easy for me to be totally positive anymore but I still try to be for the sake of everyone else. My brothers count on me to the big brother that always know everything and even though I am it’s really hard to be sometimes, and I just don’t know if it’ always possible for me to when things get so hard for me” he said quietly glad Bailee didn’t hate him for what he did to his self. He knew what he did was very stupid.

[sarahh]

Bailee took a small breath, looking over at Martin. "You have to promise me that you won't do anything like this ever again. You have to. Or I will hurt myself, too." This was the only way that Bailee could think of that would get Martin to not hurt himself, and she would hurt herself if he ever planned on hurting himself again. Bailee had to make sure that he would never try to kill himself again, because she couldn't bear losing another friend. There had been a friend that she had lost a few years ago, but because a drunk driver had hit her when she was walking home from school. She took a small breath, watching Martin. She wished that there was a way where should erase all of the pain in his life, and just make him happy. It was all she wanted to do right now. Taking a small breath, she pulled him as close as she could to herself. "You're amazing, you know that?" she asked, with a small smile.

[lizzie4]

“I promise you Bailee I won’t try to hurt myself or kill myself ever again, because I would hate it if you hurt yourself because of something I did so please don’t do that. I would be upset with you if you hurt yourself for any reason Bailee, because you are so much better than that and you are so much better than anyone in this entire town. I know we don’t have too much time to talk anymore since I’m in college and you’re in high school but I do hope that there will be more chances to talk because I really miss talking to you and sometimes I hate being out of high school. I never know what’s going on anymore, most of my friends are younger than me” he frowning a little bit. “Maybe, if I knew just what made me so amazing” he said quietly.

[sarahh]

"a lot of things make you amazing, martin." she hated that he couldn't see all of the good qualities about himself. she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to think of how she could prove to him that he was amazing, and that so many people wanted him alive. there was just no way she was going to let him sit there and say that he wasn't amazing, when he surely was. so many people lost their lives because of feeling like no one cared about them, when everyone had someone there for them. "well, i know you're in college and i am still a lame person in high school, but it doesn't mean that we can't text or something." sometimes bailee thanked the world for technology.

[lizzie4]

“I suppose that’s true, but I’m not sure whether or not I can always see those things that other people can see and maybe it’s because I’m blind to the things people can see about me. I’m blind from seeing any good in this matter, because I don’t want to see that I’m an amazing person and I want to believe what other people say about me” he said quietly with a slight shrug of his shoulders. Yes he was rambling and not making any sense now but it wasn’t really his fault, it was just the way his brain was wired and it was hard to rewire it. “I know I’m in college right now, I have been for over a year now” he sighed a little bit. “Yeah thank god for technology”.