that's why it really hurts [alys]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla sat in a complete daydream at her desk, twiddling her pen between her fingers and staring straight into the wall. The rest of the class were debating the hidden meaning of some piece of poetry but Kayla really wasn’t taking any of it in; unusual really for the girl who would normally be described as a model pupil. Mikayla wasn’t exceptionally gifted at anything but she tried her best across the board and was never one to skip classes, ‘forget’ homework or misbehave in class. Generally the sort of kid that every teacher wants in their class, eager to learn, no backchatting and not a complete know it all. Today though Kayla’s mind simply wasn’t in it.

More important issues were filling her mind than poetry, such as the events of last night when Teddy and her had hooked up again. It had been a month since the party and they’d be casually sleeping together ever since. At the start Kayla found this arrangment exciting and fulfilling but as time went on, it was leaving her feeling more and more empty. She slept with Teddy to feel wanted but it seemed to be having the opposite effect. The more they slept together, the more she wanted this to turn into something more but Teddy seemed to have no plans on moving from being fuckbuddies to a couple. And yet it was all a vicious circle because despite the sex making her feel used, she craved it for the attention he gave to her. It was like she was hooked on him and yet wasn’t brave enough to suggest stepping things up or to simply step away for her own sanity. So Kayla just continued to sleep with him, naively hoping that it would make her feel better or that one day Teddy would want her for more than just a shag.

Kayla...Mikayla!. The sounds of her name filtered slowly into her brain, it taking a good few seconds for them to be processed before she suddenly snapped out of her daydream and looked towards the source of the sound. Miss Harper stood looking at her, along with now most of the class, waiting for her to enter back into the real world. ”Sorry” she said apologetically, having literally no clue what she was being asked.

[/size]

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] Alys explained. "It's all a bit harsh - he says he sees no roses in her cheeks, he says her hair is awful. It's the equivalent of telling your boyfriend or girlfriend they're utterly ugly," she smiled. "But, he finishes this sonnet with 'I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare'. So he says all these cruel things, but he finishes by explaining that he loves her, despite all this," she continued. Her eyes scanned the room, watching several students annotate their books with what she'd just explained. However, Alys' eyes fell upon one of the girls who seemed to be paying no attention what so ever. Alys sighed and looked back at her desk, where she'd made herself a seating plan for the different students. She wasn't quite sure of everyone's names still, but she had a good feeling the girl was called Kayla... Having located her name she turned back to the class.

"Kayla..." Alys called. "Mikayla," she added, a little deeper this time when she realised she wasn't gaining the girl's attention. That seemed to snap the girl out of her thoughts and Alys was glad to see she seemed to be concentrating again. It seemed there was definitely something up with her pupil. "It's alright," she replied when the girl apologised. "Welcome back," Alys muttered, with a smile on her face. She was about to turn back to the book of sonnets in her hand when the bell chimed and there was a resounding and collective sigh from the many students.

"I know Shakespeare isn't easy guys," Alys said as they began to pack up. "Good work today," she told them, walking back to her desk and placing a stick-it note into the pages of the book to mark where they were. "Kayla," she said, looking up again. "Can you stay here? You're not in any trouble, I promise," Alys assured her, wanting to make her - and the rest of the class - aware of this fact.[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla looked up at Miss Harper with a slightly worried expression, despite her teacher’s assurances. She said it wasn’t because Kayla was in trouble but Kayla somewhat doubted that. Maybe it was just to stop all the other kids gasping at the good girl getting told off, a ploy to cover up the fact she was about to bullock Kayla. Miss Harper didn’t particularly seem like the shouty kind though, Kayla didn’t think. She didn’t really know her new English teacher too well, her only having started at the high school very recently but she seemed nice enough. Appearance could always be deceptive though Kayla thought as she waited for everybody to file out before she apologised again.

”I’m really sorry” she grovelled ”I normally really like poetry lessons but I just got into a daydream..”. Kayla bit her lip and looked up at the teacher, expecting a telling off for her obvious lack of attention in the lesson, or at the very least a lecture about how it would only be her own future she was messing up by not participating in her education. Teacher’s had a way of putting things back onto you like that, making you feel like you would be a lifelong screw up for skiving off one PE lesson. Not that Kayla had ever had that lecture, but she’d known plenty others to.

”I’ll catch up on all this at home” she continued, hoping that by suggesting her own ‘punishment’ she would get herself out of detention. Sitting and writing out poetry analysis would be far more bearable in her own room than stuck in silence in the detention classroom. Kayla looked towards Miss Harper expectantly for the verdict, not hopeful she would get away with things that easily.

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] Alys explained, softly, flicking through the book almost absentmindedly as she spoke. She didn't want to make Kayla feel like she was being backed into a corner. That wasn't the purpose right now. "I understand that sometimes you just drift off subject and get wrapped up with something else, but you were away with it through my entire class," she added. "I know Shakespeare isn't fascinating stuff, but I was hoping you'd give it some attention," Alys smiled. There was a sense of strictness in Alys' voice, but then also something warm and an attempt to be comforting to Kayla. She knew there was a problem, and she didn't want to make Kayla feel bad.

Alys placed the book down on the smaller desk in front of her, one used for the students, and she glanced back up at Kayla.
"I'd appreciate reading your thoughts on Shakespeare's sonnet, but that's not what I want to talk about right now," she continued. She looked down at one of the many bracelets adorning her wrist and then back up at Kayla. "You're really not in trouble," she added, yet again. "If there's an issue that's going to be causing this kind of distraction during lessons, then it needs to be addressed," Alys added, with a smile. "What's going on, Kayla?" Alys asked. Alys knew being a teacher meant the students were less likely to tell you their problems, as a class room assistant they were always coming to her for help. Being teacher added a new layer of authority, that Alys hadn't yet realized, but students knew it inherently. Telling your problems to a teacher wasn't considered the norm, nor was it seemingly a 'good' thing to do. Students always seemed to figure that teachers had the obligation to go to a higher authority about things, which was hardly the case.[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla looked down and picked at her nails nervously. She was relieved not to be getting told off but being encouraged to pour her heart out to a teacher wasn’t a whole lot better. Miss Harper did seem genuinely concerned though, not just that absentminded ’are things okay?’ sort of concern where the person really has no interest in the answer. Kayla pondered how to reply to Miss Harper’s question, not wanting to have the typically stroppy teenager response of ’nothing’s wrong but equally feeling uncomfortable with the idea of her new teacher knowing all the ins and outs of her love life.

Looking up, Kayla analysed Miss Harper’s face. She seemed like a kind woman, one who wasn’t particularly going to laugh in Kayla’s face or make her look like an idiot for her trivial problems with Teddy. And it wasn’t really like Kayla had anyone else to talk to about it. Addie certainly wouldn’t approve of the situation and since Alex left, she didn’t really have a super close friend to share these worries with. And so Kayla gulped a little and began to speak quietly ”It’s nothing really” she shrugged, not wanting to overdramatise her issues too much. When there were people dying in the world, a boy not wanting to get into a relationship with a girl was hardly the most important of things to discuss. ”I’ve just got some stuff on my mind” she added.

Kayla considered adding in the fact it was boy troubles but wondered if this sounded too childish. Instead she just went quiet, waiting for Miss Harper to either give up or carry on probing. It's not like Kayla wouldn't tell her more detail if she asked, she just didn't want to burden the poor woman with loads of emotional outpouring in one go.

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] Alys began, sliding herself onto the desk so she was sitting on it. She crossed her arms again and looked across at her, "then I'm sure you'll have no problem telling me what's going on." Alys was going to keep prodding the issue until Mikayla gave her something, and they both knew this. There were two types of teachers, those who berated you for being distracted, and those who took an interest in the reason why and wouldn't let it go. Alys happened to fall into the latter section, and as such she wasn't going to let Kayla leave without her giving her some kind of indication as to what was going on. "Nothing quickly becomes something if you let it, Kayla. It's best to... nip it in the bud, and if you keep it all under wraps, then you're going to continue to sit there and let it chip away at you," Alys bit her lip and sighed.

"I promise, anything you say will be strictly between us," she assured her. "I'm under absolutely no obligation to take it further unless I genuinely, absolutely believe you're in dire trouble," Alys said, talking slowly. "But I don't think it's quite that, is it, Kayla?" Alys continued, glancing out the window as the other students started going to lunch and she turned to look back at Kayla with a hopeful smile.[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla nodded her understanding to what Miss Harper had said. She got the whole idea of confidentiality and that anything she told would be kept very quiet. She certainly didn’t hold any secrets which implied that she or others were at risk and so there was no worry that Miss Harper would have to tell anybody about them. It’s just that Miss Harper telling somebody wasn’t the main issue for Kayla, it was the general weirdness of telling anybody her deepest thoughts and feelings. Kayla didn’t generally confide in people, normally taking the belief that nobody actually cared enough to listen. She bottled things up, letting them build and build until she couldn’t cope with them any more. She knew this wasn’t the best way of dealing with things, she knew that actually telling somebody would be better- like Miss Harper said, nip it in the bud-but it was just so difficult.


Kayla pulled a frowny face, pondering what to do. She desperately wanted to tell somebody and in all honesty Miss Harper was probably one of the best people to talk to. She didn’t know Kayla or Teddy enough to judge them and she genuinely wanted to know what was going on- two facts which were kind of refreshing. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to somebody who is little more than a stranger, Kayla thought, as you don’t have to worry about living up to their expectations of you. There’s no friendship or relationship in the first place to ruin and so it is easier to discuss how you really feel. Yet why was her brain still telling her to stay quiet?


Taking a deep breath to compose herself, Kayla slowly began to explain in a little more depth what was going on, nervously stumbling over her words as she did so. ”I...It’s just that there’s this guy.. and I really like him, but I don’t think he feels the same way” Kayla said softly, this all sounding so cliché and ridiculous. ”I.. slept with him to make him like me, but I think it’s just made him think I’m easy” she added sadly, looking down to avoid any judgemental eye contact. Kayla certainly wasn’t the sort of girl one would expect to have such a casual relationship with a guy, she was too sweet and innocent in her appearance and manner. Yet here she was, stuck in a relationship which was barely even friends with benefits, too scared to go forwards or back. She’d had this stupid idea that upon sleeping with Teddy, he would begin to realise his love for her, and they would live happily ever after. Kayla should have realised though that life is no fairy tale, and that shagging a guy is more likely to make them think of you as easy pickings than the love of their life.

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] Alys said, sliding from the desk and standing up, "you ought to have a long think about what it is exactly that you want from this guy." Alys walked around her desk and slid into her seat, pulling open one of her drawers and getting a pen out. "Mikayla, you already know the options infront of you," Alys assured her. "You just need to pick one. You can stay with this guy and ignore what you really want, or you can tell him to shape up, or you can walk away," she smiled. Every girl in the world had probably gone through what Mikayla was currently experiencing, Alys included. It wasn't always the same thing - sometimes the guy wanted to commit and Alys was the one running away from it all.

"There will be plenty of guys, Kayla," Alys continued. "Trust me, you're pretty and you're smart, there will be more. This guy isn't the be all and end all," she smiled. Alys spoke quite from experience now as she thought of her ex-boyfriends, as soon as you convinced yourself you'd be together forever, something happened and it was over in a flash, and it was just a blip in time, just a lesson learnt. She gave a little shrug and smiled across at the teenage girl. "But what I used to do is make a list, and I'd write down the guy's pros and cons, everything about him I hated, and everything I loved, and why I should stay, and why I should go. Eventually, I'd come to some conclusion, and I can throw the other half of the paper away, and whenever I feel I've made a bad decision, I check the paper," Alys explained. She held out one of her pens to Mikayla, and smiled at her. "You don't have to do it, but I think it might help."

[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla listened carefully to what her teacher had to say. She pretty much summed up what Kayla already knew to start with, but hearing the truth from somebody else was a lot tougher than hearing it in your own head. As much as she disliked this situation she got herself into, Kayla was scared to actually do anything about it for fear of messing everything up even more. ”I know” she acknowledged reluctantly, nodding her head slowly ”It’s just that even though I hate this, it’s better than losing him altogether.”

Looking up with big eyes at Miss Harper’s next statements, Kayla shook her head in disagreement. Miss Harper was wrong in Kayla’s eyes, Teddy was the be all and end all and she wouldn’t find someone else like him any time soon. Her teacher obviously thought of him as a bit of a loser, which was probably a fair assumption what Kayla had told her, but this really wasn’t how it was. It wasn’t how Kayla saw it anyway, but then maybe she was just too blinded by her own insecurities and weaknesses to see the negatives in Teddy. ”No, Miss Harper, it’s not like that” she assured, slightly more confidently ”Teddy’s lovely and I’m just...” Kayla paused for a few moment before adding ”Nothing” with a little shrug. It was the standard girly response that there were plenty more fish in the sea but Kayla was dubious. She’d never found anyone as nice as Teddy before so was highly doubtful she would again. When you see yourself as worthless though, it’s difficult to perceive that even one guy could be interested in you, never mind plenty of them. She let out a little sigh, listening to what Miss Harper had to say and taking the pen from her.

”Thanks” she said said softly, giving her teacher a little smile. Kayla had never even thought about the pros and cons of the thing they had going on, never mind written them down. She twiddled the pen a little as she thought about this idea, a little worried about what the results may pull up ”What if I don’t get the answer I want?” she asked naively, probably not quite getting the whole concept. She felt she understood enough though, she was just scared that all her soul searching would lead her to the hard decision to end whatever her and Teddy had together, an outcome she desperately didn’t want.

[/size]

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] Alys said. "This is still in your control though, you're still calling the shots. You can't clutch straws and hope to call it a relationship," she added. She felt terrible for the girl in front of her, because she could feel her pain. Every case was different, but every girl seemed to believe they'd found that one person that they could never lose. It was never that simple, it was never 'make a list, then walk away', because that list wasn't an instruction, but a hint, just a mere prompt. Something even Alys herself had slipped into the bin and ignored. Not just half of the list, but all of it. You couldn't wipe the knowledge of what the list told you though, that kind of thing haunted you until you made the decision.

Alys knew that the Mikayla was a smart girl, and she also knew that she was passing on some truths to her. It wasn't always easy to hear, but Alys wasn't going to lie to her and tell her everything was going to be okay. It hurt, an awful lot, and Alys wouldn't be the one to sugarcoat it and pretend it was a simple decision to walk away from someone who had become such a massive part of your life.
"You deserve better than the pain you're being put through," she added, leaning on the desk, using her elbow to prop herself up, her chin on hand. "Losing someone is hard, but holding onto false hope is a lot harder. It hurts more to trick yourself, than it does to walk away."[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

The things Miss Harper was saying certainly made sense, Kayla couldn’t deny that, they weren’t easy to listen to but they were the truth. At her statement about clutching at straws though, Kayla found herself closing her eyes momentarily and and turning away, refocusing them on one of the wall displays. That one hurt. Most likely because it was exactly what Kayla was trying to do, offer him her body and hope he would offer her his heart. It certainly didn’t work like that though and Kayla was finding it more and more difficult to justify what she was doing with the reasoning that they would, eventually, end up in relationship. This wasn’t, and may never be, a relationship, it was just a bit of a sorry situation.


But as much as Kayla wanted to believe her teacher’s words, she just couldn’t find herself thinking that it would in fact be easier to end things with Teddy than it would be to carry on like they were. The familiar is always easier, however sucky that familiar is. She chewed on her lip for a few moments before pulling out a piece of paper. She wasn’t quite sure if Miss Harper had meant to make her list here but Kayla figured if she didn’t do it now, she would probably put it off forever. Slowly and thoughtfully, Kayla headed up two columns. Rather than pros and cons, she labelled one with a heart and one with a broken heart.


The first column was easy and Kayla quickly began to list off things which she loved about Teddy, writing in neat and curly writing and reading them out somewhat unintentionally as she did so. ’Sweet, Funny, Caring, Great in bed’. Kayla blushed suddenly at the last one, forgetting that she was reading this list out in front of her English teacher. After writing in a few more points in the first column, Kayla moved onto the second, genuinely quite stuck for things to put under the broken heart. The trouble was that Kayla liked to see the good in everyone, everyone apart from herself, and so actually listing what was bad about Teddy was really quite difficult.


Personality wise, there wasn’t much to fault. He wasn’t the guy that Kayla, or anyone else, would immediately think of as being her ideal match, but she genuinely loved him the way he was. His calm nature countered her tendency to worry and panic and his assured confidence gently eased her out of her shell. The only negative really was the difference in views they had of where this should lead. Teddy seemed quite content just to have an easy bit of sex on tap whereas Kayla desperately wanted something more emotionally fulfilling. More slowly and reluctantly she wrote her only point under the last column- ’He doesn’t love me’. Kayla looked down on her list, despite there being more points in the first than the second column, Kayla wondered if the importance of the con far outweighed any of the pros. It was probably irrelevant that he was a nice guy if they wanted completely different things from each other after all.


”I still don’t know what this means” Kayla shrugged, despite having an inkling. Maybe in her case this list was a little more complicated than ‘stay’ or ‘go’. Maybe it suggested a slightly more complex and scary way forward- telling Teddy how she felt. If the perceived difference Kayla saw in what they wanted from this fling was the only problem they had, it seemed far too bold to just call things off without saying anything. It was heavy emotional stuff, but Kayla felt for both of their sakes, it probably needed to come out into the open. Admitting how she felt was terrifying but it was wrong to step away without saying it and at least giving him the chance to return the gesture. Not that Teddy probably would, but she had to give him an opportunity.

[alys]

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking

[/b] she glanced back at the list, and then up at Kayla again. Such a young girl with a decision that felt so large and lifechanging infront of her, and yet Alys dared not to tell her that this kind of pain would only ever be the tip of the iceberg.

No matter what Mikayla listed now, nothing would be able to factor out the simple idea that Teddy didn't love her. It didn't matter how nice or how kind he was, it wasn't the point. Alys leaned back in the chair briefly before she stood up again, walking to the front of the classroom, her heels tapping lighting as she did so. She slid back into her seat behind her desk, back into her previous position as she propped her head up with her elbow and looked back at Kayla. She was quite sure the girl knew exactly what the list meant - she wasn't stupid, she'd figured it out.

"The list is a prompt, Kayla," Alys explained, picking up a paperclip from her slightly messy desk and beginning to unbend it, just something to keep her occupied as she spoke to her. "It just gives you something to think about, it's not indicative of the action you should seek," she continued. "However, I often find they speak for themselves."[/ul][/size][/color]

[mikayla leigh james]

Despite her having asked the same question of herself, to hear it from Miss Harper was even more cutting. Kayla looked at her teacher, maintaining a sad gaze at her for a few moments before slowly and reluctantly shaking her head. Teddy could be the nicest person in the world, but it didn’t change the cold hard facts in front of her. Or at least presumed facts. Kayla didn’t technically know that Teddy didn’t love her, it was simply an assumption. Her naive hope told her that maybe, just maybe, he did feel something for her. Contrasting this though, her insecure mind assured her that this was simply an impossibility.


Mikayla found herself frowning at Miss Harper, weighing up both sides of the argument in her head. She over thought these kind of situations way too much, leading to these elongated pauses where her face went blank and her eyes glazed over, her mind preoccupied with an inner battle. Miss Harper’s words had freaked her out a little and she felt herself swaying back from her decision to confront Teddy and into the mindset of sticking with what she knew. If they were just sleeping together, it surely didn’t matter that he didn’t love her, Kayla could just enjoy all the good points about Teddy without worrying about love.


Except she would worry. Kayla would always worry. She sighed deeply, knowing that whilst sticking to their arrangement would definitely be the easiest way forward, it was doing her no good in the long run. It wasn’t like this casual relationship would last forever after all. Teddy would at some point find someone wonderful and fall in love. Kayla could delay the heartbreak by carrying on, but she would never remove it- it would always be waiting for her, however much she tried to hide from it.


Miss Harper’s next words seemed to back this up, confirming to Mikayla that the list really was guiding her in the right direction. The points didn’t tell her to stick with Teddy and let herself get used and they didn’t tell her to run away from him as fast as she could. They told her that something needed to be done, and Kayla was able to figure that something out for herself. She let the corners of her mouth raise into a smile, feeling a little emotionally strained but still grateful for this guidance. ”Thank you Miss Harper” she said softly and genuinely. The woman had said nothing that Kayla didn’t already understand but just hearing her words was enough to push Kayla forward into doing something about the situation. ”You’ve really helped”


Kayla figured that Miss Harper must have used this method a few times herself in the past. It wasn’t really her place to enquire though. It was a teachers job to probe somewhat into their student’s lives but it certainly wasn’t the case vice versa. Kayla would simply never ask, even if Miss Harper was happy to talk about it. There were lines in life, and that sort of question definitely stepped over one. She just smiled warmly, a hint of deep reflective worry still present but in a lesser extent than it had been.