Pain (Ryan)

[lizzie7]

Blackness that was just faded Lorcan’s entire world turned into last night at home when his parents beat him again, the beating getting worse and worse each day and the bruises and cuts covering every inch of his skin. The only thing keeping him alive anymore was Ryan, the boy who talked to online and met quite a few times. He was the only one that knew of his parent’s abuse and he knew he was scared for him, everyday Lorcan had to wake up in fear for his own life and that he wouldn’t wake the very next day. Waking up in that hospital this morning he remembered everything that happened, he was in his room when his parents called him and of course he didn’t disobey them. They sounded really mad to, and by the time he got down the step he was shaking.

They looked mad and biting his lip he walked into the living room, beer cans laid on the floor. His dad was clearly drunk and the thought of that made tears fill his eyes, he knew just what was coming and that’s when the abuse began. They punched him, kicked him, and even threw things at him; the only good thing was cops came before it got too far. His parents still got away with it though; they cleaned up the mess fast and moved him by the stairs saying he fell. He was unconscious at the time, and spent the whole night in that unconscious state. He was bleeding to, bleeding and bruised, his face so bruised it was hard to recognize him and he was hit in his arm so bad it broke. The pain he was in made him cry, it was too hard not to and after he blacked out it wasn’t like the abuse ended either.

He woke up the next morning lying in a hospital bed, the doctor’s came in and asked him questions about what happened and his parents were even though acting like they cared. He knew for a fact that they didn’t, they were only there because they had to be or else they would look suspicious. Lorcan had to lie and say he fell down the steps, even though he knew he didn’t. His parents left shortly after that and he had his doctor’s find away to contact Ryan and let him know what happened, Ryan would know the truth. He would know his was all meant to happen and what he really wonder is how much would he really care, that Lorcan was beat this badly.

[mad6]

Ryan wiped his eyes and grabbed his keys jogging out to his car. He was on his way to the hospital to find Lorcan, who he had been notified was recently admitted. Ryan had awoken this morning from a call from the hospital, around nine. He had jumped up and put on his jeans and baby blue v neck tee, they were the only things lying on the floor. Now he jumped into his car and was out of the driveway before his door had closed all the way. Luckily he had a pair of sandals in the car, and finding shoes had been no big deal. It genuinely hurt Ryan to think someone would ever want to intentionally hurt anyone, especially Lorcan. He deemed innocent and charming, even if just a little shy; there didn’t seem to be much wrong with him.

His eyes were puffy from crying, his nose runny. He didn’t care how he looked though; he just wanted to get to Lorcan. The doctor had told him that Lorcan had “fallen” but Ryan knew better. The abuse had finally gotten to him; after all, one’s body can only take so much before it can’t take it anymore. Ryan knew that Lorcan was going to end up in a hospital at some point, how could he not. Ryan braced himself for what he would see. Lorcan would probably be bruised and battered, and Ryan would be ready.

After a quick stop for a coffee and gas, Ryan finally pulled into the Hospital parking lot. He parked and jumped out than made his way to the elevator to get to the main lobby. The triple story parking lot freaked him out, he was always afraid of it collapsing while he was there. Quickly he asked the nurse for the room number, and she directed him towards his room. Bracing himself even more, he opened the door. Ryan stopped in his tracks, and the tears started again. He hadn’t braced himself hard enough, because what he saw made him want to faint. He didn’t cry hysterically, just silent tears this time. He walked over to Lorcan, grabbing his hand. He did his best to be careful.
What awful parents, to do such a thing. There was so many cuts, and bruises, and just about everything you could imagine.

“ I got here as soon as I could, I’m so sorry I really am, but I’m going to stay here until they force me to leave.” Ryan felt a lot for this boy, he really did. One day, he was going to take him away; make him forget all about the awful “parents" that he had.Ryan looked around the desolate room. He didn’t let go of Lorcans hand though. It was his way of saying he was going to stand by him. Ryan noticed his parents weren’t here, and Ryan wasn’t at all shocked. Why would they be? They probably wouldn’t even cry if Lorcan was dead. Ryan sniffled at thought of Lorcan dying; he really didn’t understand why he cared so much. Ryan had felt something for him ever since he had talked to him online, and every time he saw him off screen, his affection grew even more.

[lizzie7]

Lorcan really didn’t mean to bother Ryan in anyway but he needed he needed someone here with him, and clearly his parents were not an option and he hardly had any friends. Ryan was really his only friend he had and he was really glad to have him as a friend, he needed a good friend in his life to keep him from giving up all hope in his life. A part of him really wanted to give up last night, give in to the pain and end it all but he knew he was stronger than that and he also knew there would be shocked people if he did. Only Ryan knew of any of this, he always acted so happy and hid his abuse well with long sleeves, cover up, and lies. His entire world was full of the lies and the pain he had to deal with, he cried so many times in a day and he was terrified of everything and always so jumpy and antsy.

His eye was badly bruised and there was a very ugly cut in his face that was sure to scar, his lip was also cut and due to the hospital clothes he was wearing his arms and legs were bare. His arms were covered in bruises and cuts, as well as his legs. How the doctor’s couldn’t see this was no accident no fall, was highly beyond him and he knew if he was put back in his house he would die. He would end up dead someday, and he had a feeling if he didn’t die he would never be able to forget the things they did to him and he would hate them forever and normal kids should have the need to hate their parents but Lorcan did. He hated his own parents with a fiery passion and he knew that would never change, and just saying them there in the hospital with him made him sick. They didn’t even look sad, wasn’t that suspicious enough for people. Closing his eyes he sighed trying to ignore the pain he was in was in and the tears that fell down his bruised and cut face.

He heard Ryan’s footsteps before he walked into the room taking his hand, he then heard his voice. He loved the sound of Ryan’s voice and was glad he wasn’t going to just leave him, “thanks for not just leaving me” he whispered his voice tired since he was on so many pain killers and they made him tired. “They broke my arm, and also knocked me unconscious, Ryan I’m lucky to be alive right now and I knew what was going to happen because my dad was drunk and they just they lied about everything” Lorcan cried. He didn’t know what else to say.

[mad6]

Ryan tried to smile through his tears, it was hard, but he did it. He felt so bad, he hadn’t done it but he felt like he should do something if anything. Lorcan had said many times the cops were of no avail. Even though it was more than obvious to see something more had happened then fallen, the doctors were obviously none the wiser. Ryan tsked at the doctors, how they could be so foolish. Ryan cried and cried, all he could really say was sorry over and over. He didn’t want to think of Lorcan dyeing, not his Lorcan. He would be lost, and if anything happened to Lorcan because of his parents Ryan might end up in Jail for attacking them.

Ryan wiped his eyes with his left hand, but he refused to give up Lorcans hand. ‘’ I wish this hadn’t happen to you, I really wish there was something I could do to make them go away, to make it all better for you.” Ryan’s heart was suck in his throat, he could barely talk. Why did this all have to happen to make him realize how much he liked Lorcan? Ryan couldn’t put in words how much he liked him. Ryan was starting to think from the conversations online and the rare visits they shared, he was really starting to like Lorcan less and less as a friend, or a crush for that matter. He couldn’t say he exactly loved him, but he was getting close.

Ryan was shocked by all the new feelings; he was known to be kind of a player when it came to his partners. Lorcan was the only person he could possibly think he felt attraction for, or at least more than one date. Ryan smiled threw his tears, and wiped away the last of his tears. He was going to act strong for Lorcan, maybe that would help. Ryan let go for Lorcans hand for a brief second to pull the chair closer to his bed. He grabbed his hand and held it between his own, rubbing it. Ryan looked down, holding onto Lorcans hands.

[lizzie7]

Lorcan could hardly smile anymore, he was to tired and his eyes felt heavy his breathing slow and slightly painful due to bruised and broken ribs. He coughed groaning in pain at the sharp stab in his chest, yes that’s right everything hurt. Yet the doctors couldn’t see back that and figured out the truth behind all this, that Lorcan did not fall down the steps. A fall can’t break your arm, two ribs, and form a bruise on your stomach area, or at least not one as big as the one that he had. He was in so much pain and he would do anything to make the pain go away.

“Yo-you’re crying” he stuttered looking at him tears in his eyes at well, they were tears of pain and tears of fear his own life. Nothing was going to get better for him, if anything the abuse would be minimal to avoid further suspicion but that didn’t mean it was over. It wasn’t over in till he was eighteen or he died, he wasn’t sure what was going to happen first but he was very scared of death. “Ryan it hurts” he whispered, not just the physical pain but the emotion pain to. “All of it hurts, the fact I can’t do anything, the fact that all my life my own parents didn’t give I damn about me, about about the fact I want to give up sometimes because it’s too hard to deal with all of this pain. About the fact that every day I have to lay in bed in fear of closing my eyes, in fear I won’t wake up.

That when I was only five years old I was called a bastard, a mistake, that I’m worth nothing, and I was five, I couldn’t even tell my parents I was gay because I knew they would beat me more. They still found out and one day when I came home, they beat me unconscious and I woke up in the woods. I was there for two days because I got lost, I was thirteen years old at the time and terrified. It hurts that every day I cry hiding in my room hoping and praying the beatings won’t be that bad. They starting when I was ten, ten years old getting hit by my parents. I was too young to understand why they would do this to me, I was only every verbally abused and neglected. Never physically, till than” Lorcan sniffled tears falling down his cheeks. “Sometimes I think I would be better off dead” he couldn't even wipe his tears as they fell.

[mad6]

Ryan gasped for air, he didn’t want to hear anymore. He was starting to hiccup now, and he really needed a drink. He looked down at the ground rubbing the toe of his sandals into the ground, He couldn’t stop crying, and every time he looked at Lorcan he cried more. He was blubbering like a fish. Ryans parents were ok with him being gay, but he had two moms and his biological dad was only a donor. Of course they were ok with it! He shook his head, in denial of everything Lorcan was saying.

What awful people, what awful freaking people. Ryans blood boiled every time he thought that. He stopped crying, but only because Lorcans words had fed him anger. “ What awful people! Lorcan when you get out, come home with me, they don’t deserve you! Please. My Moms would love you, they love everyone who is not mean to them! Lorcan please.” Ryan cried still, his words slurring. He kissed Lorcans hand. “ Please” He was only able to whisper. His throat was seriously hurting.

He gave up on not crying, he couldn’t contain himself. Wiping away his tears he listened to the rhythm of the machines. The beeping of one, and the hum of another. There was so many machines around, some of them weren’t even hooked up to Lorcan. He had never seen so many machines hooked up to one tiny person. The doctors warned him to be careful around him, but this was a minefield. He started to sing, it was a nervous habit. He cleared his throat and softly hummed “ Everything’s going to be alright” It was what him mom had sang to him when he was sick.

[lizzie7]

Lorcan’s parents only used the fact he was gay to their advantage, it gave them a whole new reason to beat their only son and each time he looked at Ryan he was surprised he was crying. No one ever cried for him, and no one ever cared about him in the way Ryan did and it surprised him a lot. Thing is, he knew his parents didn’t care about him and he knew it most of his life since no other parent would neglect their child, abuse their child. Lorcan’s parents did, and at parent events in school, his never showed up and he lied about why. He always knew why they weren’t there, he always knew his mommy and daddy were unlike the other kid’s parents. He just didn’t want to believe it, he wanted to believe that his parents could someday change even though in back of his mind he knew they wouldn’t.

Lorcan listened to his words, surprised at everything he was saying. Just leave him home, where all his things were, even though they were god awful parents to him they were family and he didn’t know if he could leave. “Live with you” he whispered quietly, “I don’t know if I can” he added wiping his eyes. “I mean why would you want me to, I’d probably only be a burden. Even though I know, if I’m beaten enough again, this time I wouldn’t make it. I would die, because I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore. All the abuse, the days not eating, all of it just wears me down to nothing and I’m hardly there anymore. I’m hardly living anymore, I only have a few things keeping me going and even those may be enough. I know that death is a real thing for me, if I don’t leave or I don’t find a way to get my parents arrested and even then I would have to leave. I would never be safe there, never in my entire life would I be” he said it quietly his voice scared.

Lorcan was hooked up to many different machines, one was for his heart, another one was to give him stuff for the pain, and there others around. It made him look a lot worse than he was, and the sight was heart breaking for some people and once the doctor said that he felt sorry for the poor boy and it had to be such a terrible fall. He also listened to Ryan sing closing his eyes, he loved the sound of his voice. It really made him feel a lot better and taking a small breath he tried to believe everything really would be alright, and he hoped that things would be alright to. He hoped things would be alright, that’s for sure.

[mad6]

Ryans throat clogged, his voice bubbled, but he didn’t stop singing. He kissed Lorcans hand as he finished the song. It was a short song about a bird who was beaten and battered, but he made it through, and ended being the biggest bird. Ryan sighed and wiped his eyes. It was so sad, and he couldn’t stop crying. He wanted to curl up with a good book in his bed, and listen to Broadway. Ryan wouldn’t though, he would stay here for Lorcan of course, until the doctors dragged him out. Ryan took another Kleenex from beside the bed, throwing into a pile of other Kleenex.

He stole a glance at the clock, and was guffawed to see it had already been two hours. Where had the time gone? He was most certainly not having fun, but he was with Lorcan, Ryan chuckled and shook his head. Tears welled in his eyes when he looked back at Lorcan, but he didn’t cry, not this time. Puffing in his chest, he stood up and straight and held his together so they wouldn’t shake. “ Lorcan... I love you.” Ryan gasped, and mentally slapped himself, he hadn’t met to say that aloud.

Ryans thoughts had escaped his mind and through his mouth, like a fool. He did really like Lorcan, but he doubted Lorcan loved him back because they had seen each other so rarely and only talked online. “ Oh my God, Lorcan I am so sorry I didn’t mean to say that aloud!!” He shook his head side to side. Then he felt guilt, there was nothing worse than saying “I love you” then taking back. “ I mean I do but I didn’t mean to say it! I’m so sorry!” Ryan threw his head on the side of the bed. He was so confused now. He had no idea what to do, he couldn’t make anything better.

[lizzie7]

What Lorcan needed in his life was hope, to keep him going when he knew it would be best to just go ahead and give up, but he knew if he did he was just letting them win. He was just letting his own feelings get the better of him, the need to get rid of all the pain. To get rid of everything, what he wanted was not to be hurt anymore because pain was such a real thing and there was really mean people in the world. His parents were some of those said people, and he hoped and prayed he wouldn’t turn out like them.

He always thought about that, what if he turned out to be like his parents, what if he abused people to. He didn’t think he’d be able to, knowing the pain and the fear abuse could bring. The fear of being hugged was the worse, hugs really hurt and he made that mistake once and the person almost found out. Lorcan has to lie through his teeth, it was just better off that way.

Closing his eyes he took a deep breath, becoming confused and surprised by Ryan’s words, he never loved someone and was also never loved by anyone. To hear those words, I love you brought him to tears because he never heard them before. At least never said to him, “I never heard that word before. Never said to me, in all my life I’d hear it but I knew that it wasn’t said to me.

That my parents didn’t love me, heck they prove that every day of my life with the abuse. I’ve never been loved in till now, it’s a new feeling to me and maybe a feeling I want to get use to. A feeling that I want to have, I always wanted to be loved and to feel loved, now I am. I’m actually really happy about that, because I think I’m starting to love you to. It’s a new feeling to me, but I really like this feeling” he said quietly. His words were quietly and weak, but true, yes his words were so very true.