see you at the bitter end [kayla]

[theodore james caplan]

[/i]

There was no way he was up for facing Addie right now, and he wondered if Kayla even knew or had a feeling something had happened between them. If she did, that was one bed Teddy would just have to grin, bear and lay in.[/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Kayla sat silently, tracing around the edges of her phone screen with her finger and slowly sinking deeper and deeper into her daydreams. The house was quiet and instead of occupying herself with something productive, she just listlessly sat amongst a nest of cushions, waiting and hoping for something to happen. Clutching her phone in the palm of her hand, what she deep down wanted to happen was for Teddy to call. Things between them recently had been rocky at best. It seemed that the more Kayla tried with him the less he wanted to know. Perhaps she was too keen, too desperate. It was difficult to know when Teddy was becoming so increasingly distant with her. It felt like whilst Teddy knew Kayla inside out, she had barely chipped away at his surface. It was tough going to give someone everything and receive so little in return and it only helped to fuel her ongoing self-doubts.


The doorbell rang out but Kayla paid it little attention. It was probably Addie, trying her luck to see if her sister would answer the door and save her the effort of searching inside her bagful of rubbish for her keys. Or one of the cold callers who frequented their middle class street, trying to flog double glazing or broadband. Either way, Kayla wasn’t in the mood. It was unashamedly lazy but she found herself ignoring the ring of the bell and sinking back into her thoughts again.


It took a few seconds for the flash of an incoming text to register in Kayla’s mind. From gazing dreamily across the room, she lowered her glance to the phone, her finger still poised from its aimless circuits around the screen. As she focused her eyes on Teddy’s name, Kayla felt her heart skip a little beat. It was ridiculous really but as their relationship seemed to tumble downhill, any effort on his part seemed like a small miracle. She opened up the text hopefully and found a smile forming on her face as the words sunk in.


Whether it was an admirable trait or a foolish weakness, Kayla was a forgiving soul. People could treat her like utter dirt, stamping her down again and again and yet she still found it hard to ever let go. She wanted to believe and trust in people, however dangerous that proved to be. Maybe trusting in Teddy wasn’t dangerous, there were indeed far more dangerous men she could place her trust into but even so, it probably wasn’t doing either of them any good to keep clinging on naively to such a troubled relationship.


Not that Kayla would ever admit this to herself, never mind to Teddy. And so, with a new spring in her step, she set off for the front door, opening it as coolly as she could but still flashing a broad smile at the gorgeous boy on her doorstep. ”Teddy” she beamed happily, wondering if this was maybe a turning point, the start of an upward climb in an otherwise downward slope of a relationship. Just maybe. ”Come in” she invited, holding open the door for him and ushering his inside.

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[theodore james caplan]

[/b] he said, with a warm smile. Teddy took another step forward and bent slightly to place a kiss on Kayla's lips. It felt so familiar and yet so foreign, almost as if someone else was doing it, like they were possessing Teddy right now. He wondered if he'd done the right thing and almost instantly regretted going straight in for the kiss. Kayla had all the right in the world to chuck him out right now, and yet she'd seemed so excited to see him, Teddy half felt as if he was taking advantage of her eager and naive personality. Kayla just didn't seem to hold a grudge, no matter what Teddy did to her. The fact was beginning to annoy Teddy, because she never seemed to get angry with him for his constant behavior, only angry at herself.

"Wait, are we still arguing?" Teddy asked, with a half smile. "Because if we are, I'll take that kiss back," he told her, leaning in again. [/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Spending so much time living in thoughts and dreams, Kayla had perhaps invested more time in considering her future than her boyfriend had. The future, she found, was a scary and yet enchanting prospect. On the one hand her girlish dreams saw her getting married in some leafy church, settling down in a cutesy cottage and ending up happy and content with a selection of children and animals. On the other, the realistic part of her mind reminded her that fairytales never did come true and that even if by some chance the dream did turn into reality, Teddy may well not be the man who made everything come true. She wanted him to be, so desperately wanted her happy ending with him but knew that if things were meant to be everything would be so much.. easier. They wouldn’t bicker, they wouldn’t fight. If this was love- if this was it- things would just run smoothly.


Noticing Teddy’s somewhat sheepish smile, Kayla lowered her beamy grin. Not out of sadness or even disappointment at his expression, but just to try to make him feel a bit more comfortable. She was overbearing, Kayla knew that, and she hated to think that her enthusiasm in this post-fight, slightly awkward making up moment was making him feel uncomfortable. She didn’t have long to consider her actions though as it was only mere seconds until Kayla watched Teddy lean in and brush his lips against hers.


Kayla closed her eyes, wishing the kiss would linger just a little bit longer than it did. If she hadn’t forgiven him for recent events already, the soft touch of his lips was close to sealing the deal. A bit more dreamily now, she looked up at him with a coy smile as he spoke. ”You’re not taking it back” Kayla joked softly, lowering her gaze to the ground for a moment as she considered his other more serious words. Were they still arguing? It was difficult to tell. Their arguments seemed so pointless anyway. They weren’t meaningless; every little bicker showed the worsening cracks in their relationship, but yet it was sometimes difficult to pinpoint what exactly they were arguing about. Frustrations on both sides most likely, but Kayla knew that her difficult personality couldn’t make things any easier. ”No” she decided suddenly, adding then, a little more quietly, ”I’m sorry”. With this she let her gaze meet Teddy’s again. Her lips now sinking into more of a sad pout, she began to speak again. ”I don’t want to keep fighting like this Teddy” Kayla said almost pleadingly, in a voice little louder than a whisper.

[theodore james caplan]

[/b] he said, and almost half believed himself that time. He turned slightly as if to walk to sit down, and he took a deep breath and then looked back at Kayla, eyes narrowed slightly. Teddy suddenly felt a lot older than he actually was, and he began to wonder if others his age had such intense relationships with such difficulties. Had Kayla and him made it hard on themselves? Teddy wasn't sure, but he was definitely reaching breaking point with Kayla's anger at herself.

"Actually, no, look," Teddy said. "Stop saying sorry," he said simply. "Stop apologizing, you don't need to. It's all you ever seem to do, Kayla. It's... it's not your fault. It's never your fault," Teddy added, as a quick afterthought. "Stop beating yourself up over stupid shit that I've done," Teddy muttered. It was unusual to hear Teddy swear, unless he was drunk or truly worked up about something. He hoped that this was enough to make Kayla realize how serious he was about this.

"I don't like fighting, Kayla. It's pointless, but you have to stop acting like you're the guilty one. You're not, you're really not," Teddy assured her, with a small smile. He took a step back to her, standing closer to her again. Teddy doubted he would make much of a difference to Kayla, but how else was she supposed to feel when he was so distant to her? Teddy had made her feel like she'd done something wrong and the idea of that was killing him.[/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Despite his assurances, Kayla was quite uncertain that things were ‘fine’. Things had perhaps never been fine. They’d got together after a drunken grope in a gazebo after all, what sort of relationship were they realistically going to build from that? She still wanted to believe though, to trust Teddy’s words and to live under the illusion that things were going to be just ‘fine’.

Suddenly though Teddy’s mood seemed to drop. Kayla watched him with cautious curiosity as he walked away and then turned to speak, her mouth dropping open just a little bit as she stared over at Teddy and absorbed his words. It was true, most of her time did seem to be spent apologising for things but it just made sense somehow. She must be doing something wrong; things couldn’t just be plummeting downhill on their own. And seeing as it was Teddy who was most unhappy in this relationship, it must have been something Kayla was doing wrong to cause all the ill-feeling in the first place. That’s what her mind told her anyway.

Looking at his expression of exasperation, Kayla let out a small sigh. This was their relationship summed up; Kayla doing something wrong and Teddy getting pissed off. Even apologising apparently wasn’t the right thing to do. She couldn’t win. ”You say that Teddy” she began, her brows furrowed into a confused and sad frown ”but I just don’t understand”. Chewing on her glossed lips as she tried to think what to say next, Kayla wondered if other teens had these sorts of issues with such regularity. Most couples she knew seemed so happy. Did this sort of thing go on behind closed doors; did other kids bicker and fight about such ridiculous things, or was it just them? Having only had one ex in her seventeen years, and an emotionally abusive one at that, Kayla wasn’t really sure if she would be capable of recognising what normal was.

”You’re so unhappy Teddy” she blurted out suddenly ”I know you are, and I must be doing something to make you feel like that” Ignoring his pleas to remove the blame from herself, Kayla continued, not giving him an opportunity to stop her rant. ”I want to make this better but I just don’t know what to” she pleaded, emotion filling her voice ”I’m really trying Teddy and I’m so sorry that it isn’t working but please just talk to me, tell me what I’m doing wrong, and we can try to fix this?” Kayla took a deep breath, feeling quite pathetic and useless right now but really not knowing what else she could do or say.

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[theodore james caplan]

[/b] Teddy said after a while, breaking the silence. "Kayla, I've lied to you," he admitted, "and I've done some really bad things," he admitted. "I just want you to be angry at me, properly angry. Really angry. I don't want you to think you did anything," he told her. Teddy knew he had to give her something now, or risk losing her forever. Perhaps now would be a good time to throw something like the secret about him and her sister. He just wanted her to show an emotion that wasn't directed inwardly at herself. Teddy was dying for her to just shout at him, to make him face the guilt he was feeling.

He looked across at Kayla again, avoiding direct eye contact before he glanced back down at the floor. "I like you, Kayla," Teddy explained, and thought he was beginning to sound younger, more inexperienced and idiotic than ever before. He was beginning to sound his age. "I really like you, and I have to tell you something," Teddy said, staring at the wall as he spoke and evading Kayla's gaze. "And it happened ages ago, and before I even really knew you, Kayla; and, y'know what? You can be mad at me if you like."[/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Making as little sense as he ever did, Teddy began to build Kayla up to whatever earth-shattering secret he was about to reveal. He never could just come out with something, she noted. If Teddy just spoke about things openly rather than keeping everything bundled up for moments like this, perhaps they would stand a better chance at being able to make this work. Perhaps that was naive though- there was probably a whole host of other issues aside from lack of communication which doomed them.

As Teddy carried on speaking, Kayla’s could feel her nerves rising. She didn’t want to imagine what he could possibly have done that would make her properly angry. Kayla didn’t do properly angry, not with other people. She saved it for herself; cursing her stupidity, screaming and crying into pillows and hating every inch of her pathetic self. The screaming and crying generally didn’t get directed at anybody else. Kayla tended to think that was a good thing but apparently it was exactly this unheard of screaming mad reaction which Teddy craved from her. Quite why she was unsure but the thought definitely unsettled her.

Gulping as she continued to listen, thoughts and possibilities began to fill Kayla’s mind. The only things she could think which would destroy her would be Teddy cheating. The ultimate betrayal of sleeping with another girl behind her back. For that, she could probably muster some anger towards him. Anger however which would of course be laced by deep feelings of self-hatred and inferiority. But, as Teddy explained that this had all happened before they really knew each other, Kayla couldn’t help but feel relief. Genuinely, she couldn’t think that anything else he could tell her would invoke the anger he wanted so badly.

”Teddy” she interrupted softly, naively having lost most of her worry about his upcoming revelation. ”Teddy, I’m not going to get mad with you” she began with words that would surely rile him even more ”Just tell me what’s going on”. It couldn’t be that bad, it just couldn’t. If he hadn’t cheated then anything else they could work through. Drugs, theft, beating up some kid at a party? She could cope with it, as long as he hadn’t cheated.

[theodore james caplan]

[/b] Teddy said, with a small, short laugh when she said she wouldn't get mad. That was exactly what he was afraid of. He was afraid she wouldn't get mad, and that she'd feel a different emotion. Teddy thought he was making a terrible mistake making this confession to Kayla, because on some level he didn't feel she was emotionally ready for it; but it was too late, and this was something he would come to understand in time. Right now it didn't matter, because right now he wanted to offer her some kind of insight into his life that he hadn't offered her before, and everything else seemed irrelevant in terms of just getting Kayla to understand he wasn't completely trying to shut her out. They were stupid and they were young, and the bigger picture didn't play into this very much as Teddy made his awkward confession to her.

"Before I met you, Kayla, I knew Addie," Teddy admitted. He felt like he was throwing something cold, heavy and painful in Kayla's face and telling her she was a cheap imitation of Addie. This wasn't the route he was going for, but he was willing to bet this was what Kayla would gain from his confession. "But it was nothing, and I didn't like her, not really, not how I like you," Teddy added, beginning to sound like a terrible romcom actor now and his voice shook slightly as he swallowed hard and tried to summon the courage to tell Kayla how he felt while he still had the chance to do so. Teddy could feel the opportunity to express himself to her edging away with the gravity of the confession and the implications Kayla would make in her mind.

Kayla could gain two things from this confession: Teddy had messed around with her sister and had openly admitted he hadn't liked her really. Secondly, and more importantly, Teddy had messed around with her sister. This was probably the heaviest of things for Kayla to deal with right now. Teddy still hadn't removed his gaze from the wall.
"I thought you should know," Teddy admitted, and he hoped, really hoped that Kayla would actually get angry at him rather than blame herself or talk herself down. "You're brilliant, Kayla, you're... amazing, and I made a mistake," Teddy said, "but not with you. I didn't make a mistake with you," he added.[/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Having entered into this with a breezy confidence that whatever Teddy could throw at her she could cope with, this revelation hit Kayla like a tonne of bricks. Teddy and.. Addie? This was perhaps the only other thing apart from cheating which was capable of pushing the girl over the edge. The one thing which could play on her insecurities so badly that it could finish them for good. Whether it would turn her into a wild screaming woman of fury or just a sad and emotionally destroyed wreck she was unsure but if what Teddy was hinting at was true if was going to have some pretty profound effects on their relationship.

Kayla swallowed a lump which was forming in her throat, predictably blanking out all of his assurances and focusing on the negatives. ”Please tell me you didn’t sleep with my sister Teddy?” she asked quietly, a hopeful gaze sparkling in her sad eyes. For someone who had spent their whole life feeling inferior to their twin, learning that the guy you’d fallen for had only gone for you as the runner up prize after getting, presumably, dumped by your sister was almost too traumatising to comprehend. ”Please tell me I wasn’t just second best?” she continued, her lips starting to quiver.

It was all flooding back, all those times that she had felt uglier than her sister, fatter than her sister, less popular than her sister. How stupid of her to think that actually Teddy liked her for who she was, rather than a knock off version of her gorgeous sibling. He didn’t like Kayla for Kayla, not a chance in hell, he just couldn’t afford the real deal so went for the sale rail version instead. Kayla turned away, tears filling her eyes as too many thoughts and emotions filled her head.

It was all starting to make sense, the vicious stares Addie gave Teddy which Kayla had merely put down to sisterly protectiveness, the fact that Teddy always came to her house rather than her going to his, the way in which however hard she tried, she could never make him happy. Because of course she wasn’t the one he wanted, not really. She was just the second best option. ”Fuck” she suddenly spluttered out of pained shock, everything coming together into one big muddled ball of hurt.

[/size]

[theodore james caplan]

[/b] he admitted. "But you were never second best, honestly," Teddy said, feeling smaller and more pathetic with every word he spoke. They were true though, to the best of Teddy's intentions and all of his knowledge, it was true. His involvement with Addie was nothing compared to that with Kayla. "I never... Addie never came to my house, we never just sat and watched movies. I didn't want to be with her like I want to be with you," Teddy said, stumbling over his words slightly. "It was different, because it was nothing. We had nothing. Not like us..." Teddy almost cracked then, and smiled sadly. "This sounds so stupid, so... just stupid. I'm just telling the truth though, you and Addie... you're not alike. At all. You're really different, and that's why I like you," Teddy explained.

He took a deep breath and shook his head slightly. Addie was someone he'd clashed with, had an almost emotionless relationship with. It was a stupid, high school hook up and it hadn't lasted because neither of them really cared that much. It wasn't like how Teddy cared about what happened between Kayla and himself. It didn't change anything, he didn't see them running off into the sunset and having a great, epic romance. It didn't work like that.
"Should I go?" Teddy asked. "I just wanted you to know, but I don't want to lose you and I'd... I'd do anything not to lose you."[/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Teddy’s words span wildly around Kayla’s mind as she digested the parts she wanted to and ignored the more positive aspects of what he was telling her. Like always, her mind was firmly set on one train of panicked thought and nothing he could say right now would be capable of reassuring her. Once she had got hold of something and her brain had started throwing wild thoughts around, it was near impossible for Kayla to regain any kind of rational thinking or reason. Calmness and clarity came with time, and with patience. The few seconds since Teddy had revealed about his relations with her sister had barely allowed Kayla’s mind to spin, never mind to settle. She stared in the opposite direction to Teddy with her back towards him, blocking him out and keeping him away as her expression tried to make its mind up between horror and sadness.

Despite what he was telling her, despite his pleas that things were different between them and that she wasn’t really second best, Kayla couldn’t help but feel used and, quite frankly, grubby from what Teddy had just told her. Pulling twins was the ultimate laddish achievement; maybe this was all some sick sort of joke. Maybe he was put up to it by his friends- the challenge of bedding a set of twins- and Kayla had just foolishly tried to turn this dare into an ill-faited relationship. Perhaps he was reporting back to them, laughing about it all. Even if not, he had to have compared them, even if just subconsciously. And that thought in itself killed her a little bit inside. Her mind now in complete overdrive, Katla clung suddenly onto Teddy’s next words.

”It was nothing. We had nothing. Not like us...”

It was almost laughable. How could he try to make out that they had something when the past few weeks had just been fight after fight and him slowly pushing her further and further away. ”We have nothing Teddy!” she suddenly spat, turning back towards him but avoiding his glance as she marched towards the door and held her hand on the lock, contemplating chucking him out. She gradually raised her gaze up towards him, trying to look strong and serious but cracking up inside. They didn’t have nothing, Kayla didn’t truly believe the words she spoke. She was just scared, trying to pull back control in the fear that this was it and that they were over.

Teddy’s final words about not losing her jumbled into the mess of thoughts in Kayla’s mind. She didn’t want to lose him either, not really, but yet, as she looked at him, the thought of staying together just didn’t sit comfortably. How could she feel loved and special in his arms anymore when she knew that they’d been wrapped around her sister? How could she fall asleep contently in his bed knowing that Addie had been there first? It was too much to think about, too much to consider right now and although her heart told her to hang on, her head found her opening the front door. Kayla gave a sad and yet determined nod as if to reply to his question about leaving, once again diverting her eyes away from him in an attempt to stop him noticing the tears brimming.

[theodore james caplan]

[/i] had commited, and in that moment he cursed them rotten as he stood in silence, mouth slightly open as he waited for Kayla to make another move.

Then she pulled the front door open and Teddy smiled sadly, and gave a quiet, short laugh. He wasn't going to cause a fuss, or make noise about the fact she was throwing him out of her house - and, subsequently, her life. This anger at him was something Teddy had been reaching for, unfortunately he hadn't anticipated just how angry she would be. Foolish boy that Teddy was, he hadn't quite realized what the impact of his confession and his actions would be. Trying to pull them together by revealing something about him had only torn them apart, and solidified his belief that if he ever told Kayla about his parents, and the fact that they weren't dead, she would never forgive him. Not that Teddy saw her forgiving him for this anyway.

"Okay, right. Bye, Kayla," Teddy said quietly, walking to the door. The grim, metallic taste of blood had seeped into his mouth as he bit down on his lip a little more hard than he'd intended to do so. He turned to glance back at Kayla and, utterly lost for words. He stood in silence for a second, opened his mouth to say something to her, and then closed his mouth again. There was absolutely nothing Teddy could do to make her change how she felt about him, and frankly he didn't want to change it either. She had made a bold decision neither of them had previously had the guts to do. Neither of them were happy, it was too hands on, too full on and too much hard work for them, they were too young to bog themselves down in this. Kayla was too good, too sweet, to let herself be dragged down to the bottom of the lake by the bricks tied around Teddy's leg. Teddy stood in the doorway and gaped wordlessly for a second more before he swallowed hard and turned to walk out. [/ul][/size]

[mikayla leigh james]

Had Kayla just taken some time to think through what Teddy told her, allowed herself to calm down and to consider it with a clear head, things may have been salvageable. As it was, and acting with a muddled head of soul-destroying assumptions, her harsh devaluing of their relationship to nothing was probably something which could never be worked back from. It was Kayla’s style though, panic and freak out first, possibly consider thinking later. Teddy knew that probably as well as she did and it was just one of many factors which had doomed them to this cold goodbye outside of her front door.

With Teddy’s laugh as he passed her though, Kayla felt her body tense up in anger. Like everything in Teddy Caplan’s life, this was clearly just a joke to him. She narrowed her eyes into a scowl at this thought, the thought that he could walk into her house, tell her he had shagged her sister and then walk out past her with a merry chuckle as she held back her tears. Boys were dicks, and Teddy was apparently a fine example. Meeting his goodbye with only a strained silence, Kayla continued to hold the door open as he made his way outside, her nails clawing into the surface of the door as she both used it as support and to inflict her frustrations upon.

As Teddy’s mouth opened and then closed in a half-hearted attempt to muster something to say, Kayla too began to bite on her lip. It is almost painful to watch as words disappeared before they were ever spoken, knowing that whatever the person was going to say had been lost forever. Never would Kayla know what Teddy had wanted to tell her, if he even wanted to tell her anything at all. With his attempts at saying a profound final comment failing, Kayla looked directly at him, eyes filled with regret and gave a slow, silent shake of her head. Perhaps telling him she was disappointed he couldn’t find the words or perhaps letting him know she wasn’t interested anyway. With that, and a final sigh, Kayla shut the door on Teddy; the boy who had stolen her heart.

Immediately Kayla slumped down against the closed door, hugging her knees and sobbing pathetically into her hands. How she wanted to hate Teddy right now, to blame this all on him and move on with her life. Yet all she felt was guilt. It wasn’t after all Teddy who had placed the final nail in the coffin. That was Kayla. And as hot, salty tears streamed down her cheeks, boy did she begin to regret her haste.

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